"I didn't know that cows could walk the run way? "
That is the first alert I saw on my fb notifications last Friday morning. I wasn't shocked nor was I hurt, well not this time anyway. Im use to this type of emotionally abusive relationship that I have with the rest of the world. You know, the kind that loves to hate you, and hates to love you. I wasn't even upset when I saw the post, I was more upset for my friends and followers. They felt more pain than me, it in fact made me question my own stance on this issue. Is it that I have accepted that this is my norm? Or is it that I simply don't care about what people say anymore? These things I ask myself often. This blog entry is dedicated to those who are bullied by fat shammers. It could be your mom, dad, strangers, husbands; or someone who knows nothing about you. I hear you and I hope you get some power back after you read this.
All my life i had to fight, No literally, fight to be who am I am and to stay happy in my truth. I am HEAVY GIRL and thats my truth, but for some crazy reason, the thought and imagery of my body makes others feel angry, uncomfortable, and upset. I never understood it, and I probably never will. I remember growing up being teased about my weight and my parents would tell me, you are beautiful and you don't need their validation to know that. I remember thinking back then, well if I'm going to be heavy, I better accept it now. So for the rest of my life, when I was ridiculed or mocked for being heavy I simply learned to not care anymore. Ive been called fat, sloppy, ugly, over weight, unhealthy, a mess, a cow, a pig, and the list continues but you get the point. Never the less , none of these things have broken my spirit. Some nights I would question if I was really over it, or just "numb" to the harassment of living the life of a "FAT" girl. My answer to that is that I AM NUMB TO IT! So numb that I can't determine sometimes if someone is attempting to undermine me with sarcasm or actually giving me a compliment. I never think to much into it anymore; knowing that it is a defense mechanism now. Sometimes I had to ask someone else what this person may have meant , because i never want to take things out of context, but often when I ask, I'm disappointed because 90% of the time, it was meant to offend and I'm just too numb to care anymore.
I remember so many occasions when close friends would throw me under the bus to get attention, being the fat girl of the group does have a cost. I remember getting into a fight with my ex best friend because she thought I was copying her style during a time when I was being more adventurous with my clothing. I was about a size 14-16 at the time and I could finally fit into some clothes at the stores that I could never shop at previously. I was excited to shop with her, and instead of watching her buy things that I would want to wear but couldn't fit, I now could wear them. We picked up the same item and she immediately put it back and had an attitude. I was very happy that day but the days that followed proved that her issues with me were more deep rooted. I was attacked because she said that i was copying her style, NOW THAT HURT FOLKS; not because of the accusation, but because she clearly hadn't studied me or our friendship for years. I didn't shop with her because I couldn't, we didn't fit the same things, I was always heavier, but for once I felt connected and she felt like I was competing. That is when I realized I was numb. That the world and I are in a abusive relationship and I want out NOW! Upon speaking up about it, I soon realized that she wasn't the only one who was acting that way towards me..... My eyes were opened and I couldn't hide from the reality that the people around me weren't for me . I was the "Fat girlfriend" and if I was not to be anything else, I wouldn't be accepted because I was "changing". and I was suddenly a threat.
"You have to find a balance between the lesser of two evils", I would tell myself often. When the reality is that there is no balance, the only balance is self love. Doesn't anyone notice that the world only wants to applaud you when you loose weight? I truly don't understand the notion. Health is not based upon weight alone. I know many people who are half my size with chronic health issues, and they did nothing wrong to deserve their diagnosis! They work out daily, they eat well and they still get sick, they still develop diseases and they still have to do their best to survive and live fruitful lives. Our way of life makes me so sick sometimes. We glorify the smaller frames as if they mean more to society than the larger frames that are the average size across this nation. LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU NOW, IM SICK OF THE BULLSHIT. This year taught me a lot, and the number one thing that I learned is that I WONT HOLD MY TONGUE. When I see bullshit, I call it, you know why? BECAUSE MY LIFE AND VOICE MATTERS!!!!!!! I hear so many women tell me about how they are broken because of what someone said to them about their weight! My question is always the same, who takes care of you? Are they living their lives ? If and if not, Why the hell aren't you living yours? You were placed on this world to live abundantly and that doesn't include taking on other peoples shit! If you want to loose weight, do it for you, if you don't , cool also, DO IT FOR YOU!
I wrote this blog because at some point we have to realize that promoting self love isn't ANTI SKINNY...... its simply saying, look damn it, I like ME, its ok if you don't like me, but go find someone you do like, BECAUSE IM NOT CHANGING! Its that simple; your body is yours and no one has the right to bully you into being anybody other than you. I promote a healthy lifestyle by way of self love, excerise and good mental health. if you don't first like yourself, no matter what size you get down to, you will never like what you see in the MIRROR! It starts with the internal; Id rather be "FAT" and humble then slender and emotionally filled with garbage anyway. People are committing suicide daily because of people forcing their issues and their shit on other people. Don't fall victim to it, fight back and use your voice!
I hope this touched some one today!! Remember to keep your head high and speak up! Don't allow the world to tell you who to be. I am empowered by writing this blog entry because I know that someone will relate and get power from my testimony !
HAPPY READING ;)
Outfit deets : Avenue plus