When do we learn to like who we are? Is it a learned behavior ? or just something we gather from experience? I don't have the answers, but this entry is only meant to shine a light on my experiences, In which helped me find a great appreciation for who I am and MY PURPOSE while traveling down this road called "LIFE".
I was born and raised in a two parent household and was raised to be the typical christian young lady. My parents were lower middle class, my father had a middle school education and my mother was a college grad. I didn't know much about life but I did know that my parents expected nothing but the best. My parents were of a larger frame, and were confident in who they were. My father was every bit of 350-400 pounds in the majority of my younger years, My mother was about 220 (averaging). As a kid I saw nothing wrong with me, or my family. I loved them and thought the world of them. They taught me how to love on myself at a young age. I was told I was beautiful on the regular, so I didn't see ,myself as anything else.
It wasn't until I became of school age that I realized that everyone didn't have the same family as I did, or even that I looked different than everyone else. I was about 10 years old when I noticed that I wasn't the average size for the girls my age, I was actually the biggest in my class. I was about 210 and maybe 5'5 in the 4th grade, and that was considered "fat". I remember being so lost to what was the big deal? "Im bigger so what?" It was hard wired in my brain to not care about what others thought of me, so it made me stronger than the average girl. I simply didn't care, as I continued to grow into a young adult I realized that I didn't need to be validated to be myself. So many of my friends didn't like so many things about themselves. I thought they looked perfectly fine, but I would soon find out that how people feel about themselves has nothing to do with me, A priceless lesson we must all learn.
My highschool years were a breeze honestly. I had average experiences and gained wonderful friendships with people I now consider family. The story for me changed after I slipped into several abusive relationships in my 20's. I gained alot of weight but wasn't unhappy with the weight. I was unhappy with my circumstances, I was lost and scared because I was recently divorced and starting my life over with a 3 year old recently diagnosed with Autism. For the first time I was able to identify with the words insecure, sadness, and helplessness. I felt like I didn't have any control over my life. Never in a million years did I see myself as insecure , but I was. Never did I believe I would feel helpless but I did. For the first time I was the very thing that I never imagined that I would be. I knew it was time to get myself together.
Saying daily, "I am a fighter , I am beautiful , I am strong", became a part of my daily routine. I woke up everyday and I looked at myself in the mirror EVERY DAY and told myself, "I am a fighter , I am beautiful , I am strong". Even when I didn't believe it or didn't see what I was saying to myself, I still said it. Knowing the power words have over us, I knew that one day I would believe what I was saying was real. Sometimes I said it so strongly that it brought tears to my eyes, I would shake because I didn't want to say it. I wanted to believe that I was smart and beautiful but I was weak and alone. I was scared and fearful of what my future would hold for me and my child. I was a single mother of a child that had a disability and tho I knew what to do, I was heart broken at my circumstances.
One day, My baby (William) came to me and said "Mommy I am fighter, I am beautiful, and I am strong." It immediately made me cry, and I grabbed Willam and gave him the biggest hug ever. I remember saying to him " You are baby, and you can be anything you desire to be, If you remember these things always." I learned a lot in that moment, and something clicked for me. I realized that it wasn't about me anymore. It was my duty to be the best parent I needed to be for him. I decided to say these words daily as if he was listening to me because he needed to believe my words as much as I did. It brought me back to my childhood and my parents telling me how beautiful l am. I thought back on how many times they were weak and discouraged, sad or withdrawn, angry or just lost their way. Never the less, they made sure that those sorrows never became my burden to bare. They were very encouraging and pushed me to be my best and I want the same for my children.
Fast forward a few years later, life is fruitful. I still weather a few storms from time to time, but always remember the encouragement that I received from my myself on those days. When life hits me hard, I don't have to chant who I am anymore, because I know. I always knew, I just needed a reminder. I NEVER thought I would get it from my own child though. Life is crazy and we have to remember that Whatever we go through its temporary, "This shall soon pass", as they say. The question is when it does, will it break you? Through each storm I endure, I NEVER, come out as the same person. Some thing changes within me, but I am much stronger afterwards. Im blessed to have had parents that went through so many things but kept going! I was raised by warriors and I plan on blessing others like my parents have blessed me.......
I HOPE THIS HAS ENCOURAGED YOU TO PUSH FARTHER THAN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
THANK YOU FOR READING